Reflections/ memories 9/11 2001

Reflections/ Memories 9/11/2001 

Every year at this time I do remember that day and the events that followed . They are in my memory bank forever, blurred and with it alot of what ifs...

This takes a lot of courage for me to write as it comes from a dark place and a lot of memories which I have deliberately smothered over the years. I am forever relieved that I got through this and now  in a happy place. I am also grateful that my children although scarred from the events have grown into fantastic adults and and can see the other side of the story too. 

I write this for them as I know they have warped memories and brainwashed ideas of what happened . I have tried not to influence their judgement as they become adults, they can understand the complications and duress a divorce brings to a family.Unfortunately I have burned all my diaries of that era as I didn't want them to relive or know how badly treated I was.

Unfortunately most of my inheritance too, from Aunt Lilian, was squandered away under John's threats to take the kids back to PNG. I paid for everything and was the bread winner as John had empty promises of deals and fortunes' ahead, that never eventuated. Mum and Dad got sick of providing for us and I did the best I could and hid how desperate things were..

Going back to that night when the world changed for ever, everyone was focussed on America and the devastation happening there.I  don't know what happened to me but something just snapped. Enough was enough, to be threatened for trying to get extra help for homework for the kids at high school seemed a normal parental thing to do. However John took it to mean that I thought the kids dumb  and he lost the plot and I was frightened more so than usual so I put plans in place to get out. I had spoken to the church and police and my doctor  about previous attacks and my doctor was quite relieved when I confessed. She actually said she couldn't help me until I explicitly told her what had been happening. She knew all along, the bruises and broken arm and misery I had been hiding, trying to protect my children.Mum and Dad suspected too and were waiting for me to ask them for help and that was so hard. 

I finally went to a womens' shelter filled out paperwork, submitted it to the police and picked the kids up from school , booked into a motel where we all cried for hours. Hazel was 9, Jason 12, Michael 13, and Philip 15. Fortunately I knew the church minister well and he lived next to the motel and took me under his wing to sort out the immediate arrangements and to ensure we were kept safe, even when John came looking for us. Within 48 hours we were back home, John was issued with a DVO and collected his clothes and moved in with someone who felt sorry for him. As per usual he kept trying to ring to see the kids but wasn't allowed to initially. John botted off so called friends and that wore thin.I was a nervous wreck trying hard to keep the kids emotionally strong and secure. Philip and Michael fought often and Hazel was angry at me. Jason was his usual blase self.

John saw the kids at Mc Donalds but they got bored with his ranting and manipulating games and the letters they were dictated to sway the courts at what a bad mother I was etc.John had little income as his so called work as a business consultant which never gained fruition as much as he said it would.

Michael and Philip were persuaded to stay in Cairns with their father,even though I had arranged for Philip to live at one of his friends homes to finish his year 12.However as soon as I left for Melbourne, John went and got him. Where they lived f and how,  I don't know but between the dole and botting they got by, just. Michael didn't talk to me for 3 years and that was so difficult for me to understand. Philip ultimately moved out and went to Uni in Cairns but found it a difficult existence. I was bereft as I couldn't afford to send money to either of them, at that stage as I was looking after Jason and Hazel on the single mother's pension. I went through hell not having my children together and with no mobile phones communication was sparse. Many a night I cried myself to sleep. Jason and Hazel were angry at me for dragging them away from their Cairns friends and took awhile to settle, espescially as I was also helping Mum look after Dad who was failing health wise and later mum too, needed a lot of my attention.Hazel espescially felt neglected throughout her  teenage years.

Michael turned up on the doorstep once he finished year 12. what a relief that was. However he had suffered from the separation and was difficult to manage and took a long while to adjust to living with a family again.Philip asked to come live with me too. once Dad had died so Mum took him in as company for her as my house was over flowing .It was so good to have all my chicks home but we had our struggles but we got there in the end .A mother,s love is enduring and in this case I am so glad I perservered in getting everyone together.

I am sorry if these events have left traumatic memories and adverse effects on my children but all I did was to try and protect them which I still do. I know these events have molded their characters and relationships, hopefully making them stronger and more empathetic in their life journey.